Pride, Pomp and Circumstance!

so it's been ten months in the army - and one more year. actually army, as much as i hate to admit is, is alot like school. like in school you keep griping and whining about how sucky school is. and then before you know it, one year's up. so it's the same here, quite good actually, just having one more year of this to go.

the ten months have been some ride man. now i'm sorta in the "good" phase, the phase where i'm kept safe, kept clean, kept happy. and the past eight before - well, let's not go there. but even if those eight were bad - and i don't want to evangelise - i know that i was followed, every step of the way. when i was in some ulu place in tekong, not bathing for six days -honestly if you were to tell me that i can't bathe for six days now i will just scoff at you -, but even so - i was followed, every step of the way. and even when i was in maju - i was followed, every step of the way. And I will forever be grateful, not only for the grace freely given the past few months, but the grace freely given, in general.

On a lighter note; so all our friends have flown away - hopefully two years from now i will go to st. hugh's too, flying away, with my 2 ft fish tank such that when i arrive, i'm gonna fill up with water and immediately restock with fish. and it's almost time for them to come back. much has changed actually - like how i've grown to fall in love with Aussie - the rocky trip was fun, great in fact. now for Sydders, which i'm thoroughly looking forward to. I think i've found some of the zest again, which is a very good thing. Really needed it.

This year has been a watershed year for Ian's Literary Journey. Finally, he's been able to read books that are out of the syllabi, and form his own opinion bout lit texts, and grow to love authors where he has found some form of connection. Okay, so for me, unlike sam (we had this chat quite a while ago), lit's about release - and that's why i found pg 98 of color totally touching - "i only know how to survive; white folk are an affliction of suffering", and why i LOVED grass is singing. There was this bedazzling, mesmerizing and enchanting chapter about Mary Turner's formative years, which i'm so gonna set as prose for my students. and there was the charming Guerney Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society - that was quite loves also. So Ian has read 14 books already - ones that stood out - Guernsey, Grass, All Quiet, Amsterdam, On Chesil Beach, Love,Creating a World. yeah, others lah. not too bad output, actually.

and there's this quite ecletic mix of singaporean short stories. you know i really hate it when people start bashing our literature and romanticise literature of other countires. because our literature isn't that bad. and because our literature is a reflection of our growth, development and our way of life. so you shouldn't jump on the stupid bandwagon and bash singaporean lit. i will bash you first.

not anyone in general.

my posts are becoming less and less interesting, while my character has become increasingly, for the use of onamatopoeia, heeheehaha. some inverse relationship there. maybe it should be some econs theory. lawls

live in my house, i'll be your shelter.

it's been quite a while since i've been here. i've realised that ever since i enlisted on 110108, i've rarely come to this domain. indeed, alot has happened over the past month, and it is a rare, precious moment that i come here now coz i don't really do.

but i think i've come here to perhaps leave a few cryptic messages because this is what i'm feeling at this point of time, and this is where i post vignettes about my life. so yeah.

i've think this week was a momentuous week because i think i've slumped into some state of "i don't know...". like i don't know about anything. and if you know me, you should know that i'm a very indecisive person. but i think now, the state is..."i really don't know about anything", be it the future, be it the present, be it anything. there's only an auzzie trip to look forward to and hopefully being called up for an ox interview. but i really don't know anything because i guess my past eight months in the army has taught me how to "just do", don't feel. so now i don't really have much feeling, only knowing how to earn money, knowing how to do my work, knowing how to prepare for any upcoming thingamajig. as you can see, i am beginning to lead a very routine life, something that you know i have much disdain for.

so i need to find that zeal again. hopefully auzzie can help me do that. i need to find something to totally immerse myself in. maybe, then maybe just maybe, i can forget, forget and forget.

oh, and i've realised quite recently how farcical this world can get.

open up your plans and damn you're free.

so it's 2.31 am now, and i'm here. yet another month has gone by and it's actually been like 8 months in the army. time passes by quite rather fast - then the year will soon be over, a new year (and a year where I ORD) will arrive. much has happened this year, and much growth has taken place - like i've learnt to Trust and Obey, probably sort out the direction in life - law it shall be, i guess.

so it's now when everyone leaves the flock - really a very poignant moment actually, where everyone scoots off to different locations and different stages in life. it's a really bittersweet feeling coz the people you take for granted just disappear for the next few months or so. and then sooner rather than later, it'll be your turn to leave the flock.

i am really hoping and praying that i get into Oxford, i think it's a place i'll really thrive in - like frolicking around in a deer farm before school, cycling to the various different colleges and all. what an ideal that i would really want to achieve.

to document book-reading: i've two more - the diving bell and the butterfly and amsterdam. halfway through Mao: A Life by Jonathan Spence. this is like the year where i've read a ton of books - i think this makes it like 10 or 11 so far. so it's actually like a literary awakening because i've discovered many things about my literary palate that i never dreamt of reading, let alone appreciating before.

i've recently come to rekindle my love for England again - and that's why I REALLY WANT TO GO TO OXFORD. haha. oh well. there's alot of thoughts that i wanna document here each time, but each time i document it, it seems to disappear. seems like it's not meant to be there i guess. i think i'm actually beginning to stop appreciating the world as much now that i'm no longer chiong-suaing. like it's this lull, good, dandy period in my life so i feel perfectly happy - and i seem to forget what matters: the beauty of the world God created, the various acts of love that i have been blessed with and so on.

speaking of blessings - i have been blessed infinitely ever since i stepped into Maju. being in Maju itself, is a blessing from above. i must start to relight the flame again.

there are so many things i'm looking forward to:

the Japan horleeday, finally a good break
the Church Camp - coz i love the little chaps
the New Year - my ORD year
and the Prague horleeday that mich has planned. haha

so i actually kinda just wanna get by this year. i'm sure my second year will pass faster. then, maybe, just maybe - i can go to oxford. why is this always a leitmotif in my writing today? maybe because I REALLY WANT TO GO THERE? haha.

my blog post is rather inane - so as you can tell, i'm writing to document my thoughts.

just a final random one: i realise that i can be quite a bigot. stubborn bigot. maybe that will make me a good lawyer, coz i don't think i will change this trait too soon. haha.

i will do anything for love...but i won't do that.

so i think i just come to this sequestered corner on the world wide web once in a while to update my recent happenings. oh well, i know one day i'll start my regular blogging again.

actually looking back, britneyrawks really has undergone quite some growth - reflecting as well, the growth that i feel that i have gone through. like from some young whiny kid to an old whiny chap. haha.

i've had many happenings the past month actually, in fact, many many many happenings. life still ain't so bad. in a way i'm thankful for two years of my life in the army coz it has proven to be a good respite from like 15 straight years of going to school and learning grub. so i spend 22 months resting. ain't so bad, ain't so bad.

my post seems to be rather incoherent and unstructured, but oh well. actually i realised that if i slowly trudge by day by day, time actually passes by rather quickly - and the weekend is here again - i can meet up with the gang and really have fun and enjoy every second of it. and then we just go about with our lives and do our own thing for 5 days and the weekend is here again - and we again meet up and have fun. so that's actually quite a good way to live - i mean it's like thursday tomorrow, amazingly quick eh.

i'm trying to lead a purpose-filled life, not just a life for God, where i can spend my 2 years building up a lasting relationship with Him (i'm slowly getting there, though there are many instances across a day where i am reminded of my mortality, humanity and impurity. and i need the blood of Christ to redeem). but yeah, not just a life for God, but a life which genuinely has meaning and purpose - like cycling! i picked up cycling this month and i really really enjoy cycling. or reading - i read "on chesil beach" and "raise the red lantern" anthology thing. so there are many things i've learnt the past month and i'm trying to do.

i think after i ord i will relief teach in acs. the kids will love me. haha. there are so many things i want to do when i ord. like going on an uber long holiday - like 3 months away from this earth type. and teach, and so many other things lah. i should start listing them down so that when 101109 comes, i wouldn't suddenly face the void in my life that defined my 07 year, after 151107. speaking of which. it has been so long since i studied history - that day when i was looking through some notes i realised how lacking i was now - that i've forgotten anything. not like i give a damn, i started hating history ever since we studied china. mentioning it still gives me a stomachache. but i like Mao - i think he is quite a splendid dictator. if i were a dictator, that is - i would be Mao. haha.

oh and finally - i actually want to document my reading here so that i will be able to recall the books i read this year, which amounts to be quite a substantial amount since i need to keep my mind sharpened and not play PSP. read the most this year than any other year, i think.

Ian's List of Books

1) All Quiet on the Western Front - Erich Maria Remarque
2) Raise the Red Lantern - Su Tong
3) Creating a World Without Poverty - Muhammad Yunus
4) Boyhood - J.M Coetzee
5) The Life and Times of Michael K - J.M Coetzee
6) On Chesil Beach - Ian McEwan
7) Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez

actually ah, of all, i think i only enjoyed Love, On Chesil Beach and All Quiet - the rest were so-so lah. Oh, and I LOVED the Yunus book. haha. so that's a rate of 2 weeks for one book, coz i didnt really read in Tekong (so 4 months since i started reading to keep my mind fresh...not too bad lah)

the next one i'm gonna read is Strange Pilgrims...and then maybe Anna Karenina - who knows? haha. or i could read One Hundred Years of Solitude - something i put off for quite a while. but actually all this reading ah. i realise that i think i love the writing of marquez best lah. coetzee can at times be a bit too didactic/preachy. though i really love disgrace. so that makes it the fifth coetzee book i read - disgrace, age of iron, boyhood, life and times...i have waiting for barbarians but don't feel like reading that yet. wah i'm quite the coetzee fan. but you should ask me how many marquez i've read. haha!

until you come and sit a while with me.

birthday came and went. as usual, there are always a few remarkable incidents and people...there's one particular chap that i really really really appreciate. going off to brunei soon and all - so i just can wish him all the best and express my gratitude of having such a fine fellow like him.

there have actually been many many incidents i want to write down over the course of one day - stuff that just pops into my head and i feel the compulsion to write. but for now, one that stands out is "creating a world without poverty" by muhammad yunus. that day on the train i realised that of all the people and philanthropists in the world - what with "billanthrophy" and so on...there's this one chap who has spent the better part of his life - not earning copious amounts of money to buy a massive house and then give money when there is surfeit...but to spend a better part of his life actually laying the ground, going to the ground and just doing what he set out to do. he reminds me of an iconoclast actually, a chap who tears apart the existing beliefs of economix and blah.

so this chap has now become an admirable figure - sort of like one of my heroes...along with churchill, fdr, stalin, keynes. all my heroes. and now yunus can join them. ha. more i've thought about actually...but that's it for now.

see sunrise when i gave the word.

the past 3 days have made me feel like i'm in the real working world...what with the 1001301230123120312 hour long meetings and all the discussions. it's actually quite stressful when there's this big boss looking down on the progress and stuff. so i've been actually quite stressed.

it's been six months since i enlisted actually...close to it lah. i don't think it will be a day i will ever forget. jan 11. so it was a day where i woke up at like 8ish and my mom scooted me off to the club to cut hair. then i came back fiddled around with freedom a bit more before we went off to tekong.

so it's been six months, wow. sixteen months left. i'm actually glad that i'm not where all the chaps are...the way fitter chaps i know. and i've really made a good bunch of friends - like zul my dear, nigel, jeremy, so many others. i've actually met so many many people i would have never met if i were in ac.

i've had much to think about over the week. honestly quite a bit happens every week, and now i'm staring ahead at a new busy busy week. well i don't chiong around in mandai/marsiling, wherever, but there's intellectual chionging (which can actually be quite a good thing). so it's a trade-off i guess.

i think though that much of my zest has faded off. like i stop hehehe hahaha at small things now, stuff that i used to find infinitely funny. many of my friends have changed, actually. but i think not that much change lah. intrinsically they are still the same chaps. so it's a good thing.

so while six months have gone by, wow oh wow. there's actually much to think about. sixteen months left, two more years to law school. quite alot of stuff waiting.

and i think i need a good holiday. it's about time i unwind from singapore, honestly. aiya what to do, the call of duty demands sacrifices. HAHA. ian is becoming a joseph goebbels.

vida la vida is one of the best songs i've ever heard. it seems to speak to one's psyche, something that not many can do. ask me about it.

gabriel's oboe.

i haven't really been here in a while. you know, so many incredible things have been happening recently. the past few weeks have been incredible - so many doors opened, so many blessings bestowed upon me - the good people, the good opportunities, the loved ones. yes.

i am increasingly less effusive nowadays and i really wonder why this change is happening. like i mean if i got a place in XYZ uni i would have announced it out. now i'm like not. strange, actually, given that you all should now my character is to announce it to the whole world. but i think i shall just write it here now and heck public opinion.

okay so i got into nus law. yay. actually it really came as a surprise to me as i havent been expecting to go to any school. like i spend my interviews arguing with the interviewer, so i dont know if thats a good or bad thing. and then so i got in. and of course it's something that i would accept, naturally. but then the other more difficult decision to make was the moe teaching, overseas. like i just went for moe teaching coz i wanted some time off and coz i felt like going. but now i get it it's like i wished i didnt be greedy for those few hours.

so of course, decisions decisions. my heart's neutral, surprisingly. yet another character trait that i think has changed. usually my heart will go feel deeply about something and i will just go all ahead headlong into it. now it hasn't. it's just okay with both. so that's the difficult bit. so as usual, my life is complication defined.

more stuff has happened. i have a beautiful 3 ft tank that has rekindled my love for fish and my nine pearl gouramis are happy in its new abode with 4 corydora (you know it was a word in the scripp's spelling bee). and my goldfish are getting quite good as well.

been a while since ive been here and so many things have happened. tuition also, if you would like. call me. and then there's my sunday school teaching, getting there, i think. and then there are others. i don't know what to do about, and it's not like i have all the time in the world anyway. i actually have a major project to do that is causing me to actually be a bit of a recluse (yet another character trait change).

so the past month in a few paragraphs. yeah. i don't know how the future holds, honestly. but it's been truly blessing after blessing. and i am thankful.